Interstellar

Such a mess I live in. My feet still hurt. So does heart. I feel empty one moment and as I have the Stonehenge in my chest the other. I don't know where we, where I am going. He says that he needs me, but he left me in the middle of the street in the rain with aching legs and nowhere to go. His house was near as ever. Is that love? And I, I don't even know what I feel for him. I want to stroke his hair, cheeks, I want to feel him, touch him, smell him... Isn't that too much, as for a friend? Is that even real?  I do not know who he is anymore. Still I want to get drunk with him. So drunk that I would finally understand what is what. I don't (this word again) know how I would act like though. I think it's only my imagination doing stupid things but sometimes I really feel a spark of something between us, that we don't speak about or even care to notice. Or maybe I'm just seeing something surreal. And I still don't know (again, fuck) what to study. I can't decide because I have no ideas! And the term is approaching.
'So where are you going?'
'I don't know!'
'What are you planning to do?'
'I don't know!'
'Do you have that special someone?'
'I don't know!'
Why the fuck I'm here. Am I so naive? What are you going to do? Is that all? Am I a friend of yours? Who are we? Does WE exist? So many irrelevant questions. God, may your light fall down on me. I need someone to tell me the answers.

A cruel taste of winter

How should you feel when you know that nobody will ever love you? I, personally, feel like a loser. I'm not so pretty like the other girls, not so clever, not so funny etc But I also need love. I need someone to love. I want somebody to love me. I don't know how to describe what I feel. Pissed off much? Worst feeling EVER?

I'll never hear 'I love you'. I'll never be held tight. I won't be kissed good night. The cruel truth.

Love isn't a thing you can find under the christmas tree. And it's a thing I never had and I'll never get.

I'm not gonna give up so easy

So. 
Actually, I don't know what to say. Everything's so strange. I'm unsure of myself and edgy. From time to time the thoughts of 'I'm not going to make it' rush through my head. I know I want that but I'm not good enough. A. keeps telling me 'Don't be such coward. Hey, you'll have me and it'll be soooo exciting! Especially in the beginning.', but I just get even more frightened. 
And. Those things with X. Yes, I'm completely jealous for everybody who has a lover. And it really annoys me that he's in a relationship too. But sometimes it seems that I'm jealous because I like him. 
Most of the time I think that's simply impossible.Anyway, I don't even know if I can trust him. Looks like the backround is clear but there are little things which make me misdoubt. And also the old story which should be forgotten...
Well, he's coming back to the city soon and I'm pretty sure we'll make things clear by then.